In the interest of SEO sleaze artistry, I am compelled to reprint the following request for advice from a hypothetical reader:

“Should I pledge a sorority? I’m interested in the opportunities that Greek life provides to develop leadership skills and make personal and professional connections that will last a lifetime, but I’ve also heard that sorority girls have a reputation for being catty and mean, and I’ve heard that some of them have really crazy mental issues. Word on the street is that the technical term is ‘cray-cray stuck-up bitches.’ What should I do?”

That’s a good question, if I do say so myself. Instead of offering my own advice, however, I’ll start by offering some noteworthy advice recently provided by an officer of the Delta Gamma sorority chapter at the University of Maryland, College Park:

“I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.”

You go, girl! Terp the derp!

To be perfectly clear, that last quotation is not one that I made up. There are some nuances of punctuation that I’m too sloppy to consistently obey, but in this instance I would have been torn between the orthographic clarity of hyphenation (“cunt-punt”) and the smooth stylistic eloquence of non-hyphenation (“cuntpunt”). Speaking of other nuances, I have never explicitly threatened to use premeditated assault of my subordinates as a punishment for social deficiencies that I find annoying. But I know, that’s LITERALLY just me. Duh!

The comment thread for the Gawker article is, to use the term in the sense of the old Chinese blessing, interesting. To be fair, a great many of the comments, maybe even a majority, are from sane, decent people, many of whom are also excellent writers with highly pertinent perspectives or tales of their own. The problem is with the remainder, much of which is comprised of some combination of servile, brownnosing supplication to the ostentatiously belligerent and rank asshattery. A disturbing number of commentators in this group praised the author of the e-mail for her leadership. Thankfully, others stepped in and called foul, trying to impress upon them that leaders who behave that way provoke workplace mutinies; I put in my two cents’ worth to this effect by comparing this lady to the tyrannical managers who fall victim to workplace massacres and the military officers who got fragged in Vietnam. The problem (a scary one on close examination) is convincing people that abrasive imperiousness is reckless leadership at a time when Donald Trump has been so successfully promoted as the epitome of managerial excellence. Keep in mind that the Donald is widely regarded by forensic accountants who’ve reviewed what they can of his books as an insolvent serial fuck-up who covers for his uselessness by using his outward appearance of wealth to hustle for free stuff. If we look too closely, then, we see that this article on a two-bit sorority nutcase of no previous notoriety is actually a very disturbing indictment of American corporate management and popular culture. Read it and weep.

This, America, is what’s wrong with Greek life. This case is ad absurdum, to be sure, but that’s all; the underlying nature of the misbehavior is replicated in countless sororities and, with a bit more douchebro swagger, fraternities. Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, forced drinking, corporal punishment, endangerment of pledges on highways and precipices, and rape are all committed with the complicity or encouragement of Greek organizations too often to be regarded as aberrations. Here and there one finds good chapters that should be preserved, perhaps even whole organizations that are good, but most of them are run by shitheads, and quite a few, most of them fraternities, are criminal organizations that should be prosecuted and disbanded under RICO.

Cults suck, kids. Don’t join one. There are other ways to make friends and get laid. While you’re at it, consider being cautious around the religious organizations, too. Don’t be afraid to tell their pushier members that you’re too busy chasing tail to come to small group (here’s looking at you, Intervarsity). Figure out who the sluts are, and approach them not out of concern about their sexual immorality, but out of a subtly craven spirit of egalitarian friendship. Seriously, I only wish I were kidding. I made the mistakes of not doing as I currently advise.

There are a lot of people enrolled on the baccalaureate track who want to waste your time: sectarian cult buggers, Greek ratfuckers, socially climbing cutthroats in student government, straight-up freaky-ass nerds in student government and debating clubs, another two factions of sectarian cult buggers in my case, ad nauseam. You don’t owe any of them your time. If they get rude in their efforts to let you have their way, you have no obligation to be reticent about putting them in their place. There are social conventions against telling them that you resent their efforts to keep you from the library and the cute chick that you’ve been trying to game there, but these conventions are bullshit ones that serve to embolden the officious.

Perhaps you matriculate with a history of regular participation in the Boy Scouts of America. If so, God help you. God help us all, on our honor, all of us, we who be loyal Scouts. Spending one’s free time with other weird boys didn’t do a hell of a lot of good, now, did it? It’s great training for incels, to be sure. To get to understand chicks, damned if you don’t have to hang out with chicks. So if you still have time to get your ass into an Explorer troop, do so. Them thar’s co-ed, now. Even if it’s an Explorer troop devoted to the exploration of careers on the production line at the local wire factory, if there’s ladies present, get your own ass equally present forthwith. Better are the police, correctional and Customs Explorer troops, since they may have hella hot adult leaders who are interested in demonstrating upon your person the body search methods that they use on detainees, albeit in a much more consensual manner than they or their peers in Greek life use on the vulnerable. Speaking of the Greek lifestyle, if you really can’t resist it, please be sure to have some lube and rubbers handy, and to move your bowels beforehand if you’re the recipient.

Is that gross? Here’s another idea: Future Farmers of America is a wholesome coeducational organization that may be a better fit than scouting for the socially retarded young person. (It isn’t just boys who can be socially stunted, mind you; you should have seen my main suitor in college.) FFA participants who raise livestock are afforded the opportunity to learn valuable anatomical and physiological lessons that they can later apply to their peers.

Eww. But I assure you that worse has been said about farm animals and those who care for them; I’ve heard it with my own ears. It is fitting, then, as she and he both said, that I’m currently in Da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-vis. To be more pertinent, though, if farm girls are your thing, try to find ones who don’t get too worked up at Creation. Same thing goes if you’re on the manhunt for the near term. The zealots have to be crazy good in the sack to make up for the subsequent drama when they get convicted by some milquetoast circuit-riding dweeb about the dangers of sexual immorality.

Come to think of it, it’s a funny thing that we Americans pride ourselves so on our independence. It seems that one doesn’t find Germans or Swiss so reflexively seeking permission from community representatives to fuck others, as such a question would be regarded as hopelessly uncouth, and it seems that Germans in particular are hesitant to submit to the diktats of power-hungry tyrants with delusions of grandeur, as that sort of capitulation is regarded as rather historically ignorant.

Rebecca, if you’re gonna cunt-punt me, fucking cunt-punt me to Munich. Bitch, please. Or to Geneva. My French is better anyway, and in a spirit of penal leniency that would LITERALLY deflate Chris Hansen’s penis, the age of consent there is sweet sixteen.

Murica.

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