It is my distinct, tittering honor to present a breaking news bulletin from the Temple Clinger desk.

This evening a friend of the Temple Clinger’s, or so she is called, posted a piece of delectable white knight bait that received 27 likes and a dozen comments in half an hour. It’s of such a rarefied, Heartiste-worthy quality that I should probably call the waaaaambulance. But even if I don’t call whine-one-one, I must reprint her plaintive essay in its entirety:

At times I’m completely ashamed of myself and my internal insecurities about love: independent in profession;weak-minded w/ boys. In 2 days I’ll be 24: time to grow up, Cinderella. I need to remember that I have an incredible life, and I am so blessed with amazing opportunities. Yet this inkling for love haunts me; I need to stop. I need to come around to the idea that it’s perfectly okay to not have someone special yet. I have this nact for being such an old soul, that I forget how truly young I am, and how much time I still have to grow and explore; or the comfort in knowing that even when I’m older it’s still okay to be on your own. I wanted this; I always wanted emotional freedom. It’s time to enjoy it. 

I guess seeing the couples on this trip made me miss being with someone full time, but missing it for a moment doesn’t mean missing it altogether. I’ll move on with something more positive; I’ll continue to better me. And hopefully someone somewhere down the line will see my value. Until then, I need to appreciate the value of me, myself, & I. No more trashing up my standards for a warm bed; it only leaves me colder. I deserve the best.

This isn’t a cry, or a complaint. But one more on the road to self-discovery. I go alone, but I’m not lonely. And I’m learning to love and understand that term. I am who I am because of my expectations of myself, and it’s dawning on me that I can also have a high expectation of others. Bring it on heartbreaker; you’ll have to have a lot more moves that Jagger. 

The author corrected her last typo in the comments, but none of the others, and proceeded to bask, one must assume,  in the glory of the instant solar system that assembled around her. Thus spoke the orbiters:

“you do deserve the best and you will find it or it will find you!!” (Female; ended comment with a heart emoticon)

“I’m sure you have chances to date plenty of men. I know I’ve asked you out numerous times without a response. I’m still awaiting my
Opportunity to wow you.” (Male)

“Discovering your true self is a fantastic journey. Take your time” (Male; ended post with smiley-face emoticon; received like from fellow possessor of the male perspective)

“Some women dont find the right guy because most would rather b with a guy whose an asswhole but has a nice body n good hair some girls need to get to know some guys who arent perfect but would do anything for the people they love and have great personalities.” (Male)

“Repeating yourself is a sign of old age” (Female; ended comment with smiley emoticon; scared up a like from a fella)

“((HUGS)) any time you need them! Otherwise go get girl!” (Male)

“time is on your side” (Male; ended comment with smiley-winky emoticon)

“great post ,keep smiling” (Male; ended comment with smiley emoticon; got likes from two dudes)

“I feel ur status completely girl!!” (Female)

“I’m 27, nice guy/gentleman and single and ready to mingle but I don’t have success…” (Temple Clinger; no likes) 

“I wouldn’t give up my life for any girl right now, even you” (Male; ended comment with tongue-hanging-out emoticon)

“Wow that was beautiful expression of emotions.” (Male; got one like from a dude)

“Eloquently written [girl]…Keep that head up and the clear perspective you have above will guide u” (Male, same as liker from immediately above; ended comment with smiley emoticon)

Amazingly, there’s nothing at all out of the ordinary about the Temple Clinger’s contribution to this beta orbiter Renaissance Faire, except for its coherence, which far exceeds that of many of his insane white knight posts. To hit on a theme that I will revisit from time to time in the future, one that I already have in draft form in my oft-delayed long-form essay on pickup artistry, the Temple Clinger fucking needs to hire a prostitute. Dude needs to contribute to Stacks and Cats. He obviously wants pussy, and not the irresistibly cute kind to which I just linked, but the amateur girls aren’t giving it up for him, to no one’s surprise but his own. Whores, like psychiatrists, are used to dealing with hella weird dudes and civilizing them with the ancient arts of fuckery. With a professional’s help, the Temple Clinger can learn how to relate to women. If he starts getting pussy from a professional, he’ll probably stop making such a creepy nuisance of himself around every Philadelphia metroplex amateur he can glom onto, and the sexual tutelage should be pretty easily complemented (“in words of psy sexy lady whoop whoop whoop…compliment”) by social tutelage, so that he’s generally less of a mindboggling WTF around the ladies. It’s like mixing medicine into a dog’s food; come for the hamburger and rice, stay for the mange treatment.

Some of the Temple Clinger’s colleagues should hire pros, too. Given that they’re hanging out on a sporadically single 24-year-old’s Facebook page and white-knighting her navelgazing ass, I don’t imagine that they’re getting any from their neighborhood bar sluts. Or maybe it’s just a slow Sunday night. I dunno. At some point, contingent upon financial circumstances but probably sooner rather than later, it’s time to stop pining for aloof sluts who don’t dig your style and hire a hooker. If you’re hanging around teh interwebs insipidly complimenting a chick for publicly complaining about her poor sexual and romantic decisions, it’s time for you to get the time from Admiral Yamamoto and start working on plans for big boy sex with a grownup. By which I mean one of Ben Franklin’s mercenary prostitutes. Yup, it’s the Adults’ Hour, which means that it’s time to stop trying to be smooth with the childish amateurs if doing so hasn’t so far proven an efficacious course of action.

Whorish girls, holler at your local white knights. I’m not kidding about that. Schedule a treatment regimen for the Sodiniomas in situ in your neighborhood. The gym rat chicks may thank you one day.